the most evident utensil.

ramblings of a chaotic mind.
  • I want to be alone.
I want company. 
Both conflicting emotions that run through my head on a regular basis.

    These conflicting and confusing emotions of wanting to be left alone but at the same time wanting someone around occur a lot more frequently lately.
    I experience bouts of wanting to be completely and utterly alone but at the same time wanting someone there to distract me from the toxicity that is my overthinking and over analytical brain.

    These conflicting ideologies often make me feel irritable, moody and frustrated. I’m not always that way. There is a rather pleasant side to me, one I much prefer. However the harder I try to push or ignore these feelings of loneliness and/or dependency of people as a distraction from it, the more it seems to fight it’s way back.

    I hate how moody I become during these bouts. It’s like I want so desperately for someone to be there, but when they are it never feels like it’s enough. I’m always left wanting more which leads me to become irritable and frustrated in their company that I just shut down and become blank.

    Perhaps I’m lost in my own thoughts. Lost in the void that is my mind. I’m often wondering why I find it so difficult to connect with people. Don’t get me wrong, I think I am a very understanding person and I like to think I practise a great deal of empathy and sympathy towards people and find it extremely easy to talk and be there for others. I just find it difficult to actually connect with people on an emotional level.

    I usually come off warm and caring, but lately I am feeling that bitter shrill coldness creeping back into my life and I don’t understand why. I’m not alone. I have friends, family and a boyfriend all of whom are extremely loving and amazing. I wouldn’t trade them for anything, but I cannot shake this emptiness I feel inside. It’s something I guess I have always felt. Something I try to ignore.

    The emptiness or the void I feel makes me want to be alone and shut myself away from everyone, but at the same time I don’t like giving into it, I try to keep people around to distract me. Take my mind of the emptiness I feel.

    I have tried to fill the emptiness with things that take up time and energy. I have noticed the most common are writing, drawing, photographing and relationships (romantic and intimate ones generally). Nothing seems to quite fill the void or itch that scratch.

    I just feel that even in the company I keep, I can never really express myself to my full extent. Perhaps I fear that the person I am talking to won’t understand or feel the same way I do and that I may freak them out with the weight of my words, as sometimes they come of cold and disconnected. I think that’s because I have tried to express my feeling of emptiness and loneliness to people in the past and it hasn’t been well received. Maybe I keep it in as a form of self protection, a defence. I’m not really sure.

    This feeling scares me. Its a feeling I am all too familiar with and I wish I wasn’t. It’s the biggest reason for my anxiety attacks and my feelings of overwhelming hopelessness. I have gotten good and pushing through it, but sometimes, as much as I try to push through to the positive it just feels like such an effort and it exhausts me.

    Sometimes I wish I could go back to the way I was before I had gone through depression and anxiety. I was so care free, positive and warm. I mean those personality traits are still their, but now they are tainted with darkness.

    My chest pains are the worst. It’s like all this bottled up tension sitting on top of my rib cage wearing me down and drilling into my core. I often ask myself if I should seek professional help for my anxiety attacks and my general feelings of loneliness and emptiness. I just feel like I would be a psychologists wet dream, given a number of events that occurred during my childhood and teen years. Maybe they have a part to play in this. But ignoring and distracting myself it is so much easier.

    Will I always be this way? Nothing seems to change no matter what I do. I have to keep trying though. There has to be something better than feeling like this. There must be.